I guess today, I feel so much like Abraham did so long ago. How heart wrenching it had to have been to load up his fire wood and flint and walk 50-60 miles to Mount Moriah with such a heavy heart knowing what he was going to have to do. God had told him to sacrifice his own son Issac. Abraham proved that his love for God was even greater than the enormous love that he had for his only son whom he had prayed for for so long.
We arrived home late last night with Elijah in God's hands, right where he has always been. The doctors can do nothing for him. The separation in the lining of my uterus and the placenta previa has eliminated all options for them. The previa prevented them from doing the surgeries and the separation in the lining prevented them from shunting because of such a high risk of a pulmonary embolism for me. So they sent us home and told us to try and have as much of a normal pregnancy as possible until the time came for Elijah to be here. Any sign of bleeding or contractions would cause them to have to take the baby and do a complete hysterectomy. The doctors have given Elijah minutes to an hour to live after birth depending on when he is born. With nothing being able to be done they say he will have no lungs because there is no amniotic fluid from the blockage. They say he already has fatal kidney damage and his bladder is permanently nonfunctional.
I am reminded daily that we walk by faith and not by sight. I know that God loves me and is crying tears with me because this is not what he intended our lives to be like. I know this grieves His heart as much as it does mine. I will continue to focus my eyes on Jesus and not the circumstances. I know that this did not come from heaven because there is no sickness in heaven and God is a perfect God. I know this comes from a real enemy who is out to kill, steal and destroy my family and all those around us who love us. I refuse to let doubt, bitterness and anger enter my heart because I know that no matter what, Elijah will forever be my son.
I would like to have the attitude of Paul. He suffered so much for the cause of Christ. God never promised that this life would be perfect or easy. Paul said,
" To live is Christ and to die is gain." He didn't care if someone was about to cut off his head! He had the attitude of "Go ahead! I don't know which to choose!! Because if I live, I get to tell people about the love and saving grace of Jesus but if I die, I get to go where I want to be anyway!" Wow. My two friends Paula and Brooke reminded me yesterday that this is really Elijah's starting point. If he lives and God chooses to provide us with our "Ram"- a supernatural miracle, then what an incredible ministry he will have, already declaring the works of the Lord. But if he dies, he still LIVES! Because he will never have to live on an earth full of sickness, disease and all kinds of evil but will be able to live with his creator for eternity. And because my family has a personal friendship with Jesus, and accepted what Christ did for us on the cross, we will all be able to give Elijah a huge hug when we get there and hang with him on earth for 1000 years! What hope we have in Jesus.
I want you all to know that I am not giving up on this baby! Just as Abraham had the faith that God would provide a Ram and spare his son, I also have faith that God can provide a miracle for Elijah. He is still in the miracle business! I have seen them first hand all around me. And I will continue to pray that by the beatings Jesus took for us on His back, Elijah is healed in Jesus name. I would like to ask all of you to pray Psalm 91 for Elijah. Thank you all for your prayers and support and I thank God for all of you.